Growing up I was taught never to use the word ‘stupid’ to describe a person. People may do ‘stupid’ things but they aren’t ‘stupid’. Jeff’s cousin, might be the exception. The following, in his words, serves as a warning.
“I was looking for a protective device for my wife when I came across a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Perfect.
At home, I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! The directions stated that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. It worked however, I now need to explain what the burn spot is on the face of the microwave.
My thinking – I need to try this out on a real target. My cat Leo was looking at me lovingly and for a fraction of a second I thought about zapping him and then thought better of it. But, if I was going to give this to my wife for protection, I did want some assurance that it would work. I removed my jeans, placed my reading glasses on the bridge of my nose and sat in my recliner with the directions in one hand, and the Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way’!
I’m sitting there alone, the cat looking on as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt that bad. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! Leo had jumped up on the fireplace mantle in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
A minute or so later, I collected my wits, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were bent and on the top of the TV. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it originally was. My triceps and right thigh were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. and I had no control over the drooling. Gone was my sense of smell and a faint smoke cloud came from my hair.
My wife loved the gift, laughed at my experience and now regularly threatens me with it! Word of advice. If you think something is stupid – it probably is.”